Anyone who knows me knows how big a fan I am of Top Chef. I've been to Dale Talde's Talde Brooklyn as well as Harold Dieteltre's kin shop. Next up to bat was Leah Cohen's Pig & Khao. There were a few things that kept me from wanting to try her food. I was really turned off by the great reviews from Steve Cuozzo of the New York Post. I mean, how can you take a news publication seriously when Snooki is on the cover every other week? Pete Wells also gave it a two star review, but I feel like Wells had a pow-wow with an intern and asked "where do the cool kids eat these days?" Another larger factor was Leah herself. I know it's television but every week I was scratching my head and my balls, and asking myself "how the fuck is she still on the show?" But if I believed everything I saw on TV, I'd be 20 pounds lighter and have a twelve-inch penis with just two pills a day.

The only thing Pig & Khao did have going for it was it was a Fatty Crew joint, so I bit the bullet and rolled over to 688 Clinton street on the lower east side. The place was pretty packed for a Sunday, and the sounds of Shyne's "Bad Boyz" bumped in the background muffling the sounds of the conversations at the table and the bar which faced the open kitchen in the middle of the room. The smells from the kitchen would make someone with a full stomach hungrier than a pot head at an Action Bronson concert .  A friend of mine took full charge of ordering and this is what we ordered:

Sizzling Sisig ($14) - Pork head, chilli, whole egg. The dish comes served on a piping hot cast iron plate with a raw egg on top that you mix into the dish, dope!  I never had pig head before so it is hard to say if the texture was good, but the taste was on point. Hints of lemongrass rolled onto your palate with hints of spiciness every so often. 

Crispy Red Curry Rice Salad ($12) - Minced pork, crispy garlic, shallot, coriander, ginger, peanuts, lime-fish sauce. This rice dish, crispy in texture, served with lettuce leafs, had hints of sour and sweet that switched back and forth with every bite. My favorite dish of the night, and I would straight up catch a case for this one.

Quail Adobo ($15) - Soy sauce, vinegar, Szechuan peppercorns, and crispy garlic. Not bad, but not great. Although the bird was crispy and juicy, the flavor was lacking. All I really could taste was soy sauce from beginning to end. 

Khao Soi ($16) - Red curry, coconut milk, chicken, egg noodles, pickled mustard greens and shallots. Pieces of chicken swam in a coconut curry broth, filled chewy dense egg noodles that were topped with crunchy egg noodles. Every bite started off with heat but ended with cool sweet flavor from the coconut milk. This dish should've come with a warning in the description "may cause boner." 

Grilled Curry Lamb Ribs ($24) - Yogurt, pickled beets, whole wheat roti chapathi. The ribs were perfectly cooked and juicy, but the dish had more of a Mediterranean flavor than an Asian one. Needless to say I sucked the meat off the bone. 

The bill came to $146 with drinks but without tip. I couldn't come up with an elaborate ending like I do in the rest of my reviews. All I can say is that I was wrong in every which way and the hierarchy of the food review game were right. 

Pig & Khao

68 Clinton Street New York, N.Y. 10002
(212) 920-4485
pigandkhao.com

So I met this bimbo off of Jdate. You're probably rolling your eyes and saying "what a loser." But it was snowing outside, I was comfortably sitting on my couch, in my boxers, eating cold fried rice out of a bowl that I was carefully balancing on my stomach. And not for nothing, the last girl I met "out" ate her hair, but "only when she gets nervous" which seemed to be every 11 minutes. 

The bimbo and I decided that we should meet up for dinner, preferably Mexican. I have a go-to Mexican spot in Red Hook called "Alma", total panty dropper, but the problem is every time I bring a girl there on a date I always seem to run into them there later - with a guy. So I decided I would stop shitting where I eat and check out this spot called Fonda in Park Slope.

Fonda is located on 7th avenue and owned by Chef Roberto Santibañez, the author of a cookbook called Truly Mexican. I read about Roberto a while back in the New York Times, and I put his place in my mental restaurant index. As we walked into the small, dimly lit space, a hostess greeted us, asking for our reservation and said we could wait for our table by the crowded bar.  

As we waited by the bar, the aura of awkwardness glowed around my date and I. What's wrong with you girls? This girl was acting like I was trying to steal her purse or something. But I have a cure-all for awkwardness - alcohol. 

Two drinks in my date, the drift wood with hair was finally loosening up and put me in charge of ordering a few dishes we would split, considering I was the "epicurean" (someone's reading a new book). As she started to slur her words(lightweight) and talk about her career, her cat, and how much she hates her neighbor, I was playfully smiling and nodding my head along as I read to myself the dishes. Here's what I ordered:

Flautas De Pollo ($8)  Two crispy tortillas filled with shredded chicken, topped with Salsa verde, pasilla de Oaxaca Salsa, queso fresco and crema. Holy fuck was this good! Crispy, and tender with a little heat. If this dish wasn't getting my laid tonight, I would have to re-tweak my pallet.

Guacamole ($11)  Your standard guacamole with small hits of garlic and cilantro, with a chunky Constancy - pretty good. The menu description says the chips are house made - bullshit. These chips tasted like the bag they came out of.

Flautas De Pollo ($8)  Two crispy tortillas filled with shredded chicken, topped with Salsa verde, pasilla de Oaxaca Salsa, queso fresco and crema. Holy fuck was this good! Crispy, and tender with a little heat. If this dish wasn't getting my laid tonight, I would have to re-tweak my pallet.

 Taquitos ($8)  Grilled marinated skirt steak with onions, cilantro, and chile de arbol salsa. "Hey did you order tacos?" Good thing this girl was pretty because she wasn't too bright.  The steak was a little flat even with the salsa verde.

Pollo Norteno ($18)  Boneless achiote marinated chicken tossed with melted chihuahua cheese, served in a skillet and topped with chiles serranos "toreados", cured red onions, with a side of charro beans and warm hand press tortillas. This dish alone will keep me coming back to Fonda. A beautiful, colorful dish hits our table in a cast iron skillet filled with marinated chicken and heaps of melted, gooey, smooth strands of cheese, topped with pickled onions and serrano peppers. This dish is a must - no questions asked.

 

As the night rolled on and the alcohol let loose the awkwardness and woke up gluttony, my date and I were full and slipping into a food coma. Although we didn't agree that people shouldn't toast fresh bagels, we did both agree that Fonda was damn good and neither of use can wait to come back. Little did my date know is that she would have to return with someone else. Me? Date someone who toasts a fresh bagel? Fuck that noise.

Fonda

434 7th Ave Brooklyn, NY

(718) 369-3144

www.fondarestaurant.com

You would think with all the Asian girls I dated in my life, one those bimbos would haven taken me for Dim Sum at least once. We always ended up either eating Italian food or McDonald's and just having sex. Don’t get me wrong, that was cool but the bad thing about having sex with a Chinese girl is that you’re horny half an hour later. I know dim sum isn’t a big deal, dumplings, shumai, rolling carts, etc. Basically, Tapas for Asian people. If you don’t know what Tapas are, please stop reading this and light yourself on fire.

It was time I took matters into my own hands. It was my fathers birthday and I figured that I would treat him to a good meal. The man loves any kind of Asian food and he especially loves eating in Chinatown. He says it reminds him of Brighton beach except everyone is Asian. I also wanted to eat in Chinatown to do my part in trying to ever so slightly help struggling business recover after Hurricane Sandy.

I decided to pay a visit Nom Wah Tea Parlor - A joint serving up Dim Sum to New Yorkers since 1920.  During the past few decades the small dim sum shop had fallen on bad  times but it was revitalized in early 2010 by the owners nephew Wilson Tang.

The decor of Nom Wah is that of an old school coffee shop. A counter with stools, tables and a few booths. My parents and I were pointed to a booth in the back, upholstered with red pleather and a table that slanted forward. I was in love.

We were handed two menus, one with pictures for the Lames or Yelpers and another paper menu to check off what you wanted to order. Here’s what we got : 

Stuffed Chinese eggplant ($3.50) Eggplant stuffed with deep-fried shrimp paste, served in a brown sauce with scallions.

“The Original” Egg Roll ($3.95) Mixed vegetables and chicken wrapped in a crepe type blanket and deep-fried in a batter. This isn’t your ordinary corner white-boy Chinese food egg roll. It was weird and I could have eaten five more.

House special fried dumplings ($3.95)  Pork and chives stuffed into a dumpling skin and pan-fried.

Pork Bun ($1.50) Steamed bun filled with pork and caramelized onions. Hands down makes my top 3 pork buns in NYC

Stuffed Chinese eggplant ($3.50) Eggplant stuffed with deep-fried shrimp paste, served in a brown sauce with scallions.

Shrimp Rice Roll ($3.50) Shrimp stuffed inside of a flour rice noodle topped with a sweet soy sauce. 

Shanghai Soup Dumplings ($3.50) Pork dumplings filled with broth.  Perfectly shaped, perfectly pleated,  dough wrapper filled with a perfect ratio of soup to meat ratio. As you can see I keep the hooliganism down and let the dumpling cool in the vinegar before eating whole. Instead of biting a hole in the skin like some dickhead Yelper.

 

Shrimp & Snow Pea Leaf Dumplings ($3.95) Shrimp and snow peas tucked into a homemade wheat wrapper served open face.  Now, my chopstick game is tight, but I was having trouble picking these dumplings up as they stuck to the bottom of the pot. This doesn’t mean I didn’t eat 3 out of 4 in the serving, You snooze, you lose, Mom.

Salt & Pepper Spare Ribs ($8.50) A heap of deep-fried pork spare ribs in a light crispy, salty, peppery coating. It’s hard not to love deep-fried, salted pork. Went down perfect with a Taiwan Beer.

We also ordered the pan-fried noodles in superior soy sauce and the house special dumpling soup which were both good, but I was to busy eating and dodging “Why aren’t you married yet” questions from my parents to take pictures of the dishes. My family and I ate like champs for $65, a reasonable dinner tab for any tight ass.  What more can I say, go to Nom Wah Tea Parlor as-soon-as-possible.

Nom Wah Tea Parlor

13 Doyer Street, New York, NY

212- 962-6047

www.NomWah.com

It was a momentous time for Brooklyn; The Barclay’s center was opening up and Jay-Z was performing 8 concerts in a row; I was able to snag a pair of tickets. I realized if I was going to be standing on top of a chair and singing “Where I’m from“ at the top of my lungs, I was going to need some energy. The food line up would impress the dickhead elites at Yelp, but not me. I live a block away from Nathans, five blocks from L&B Spumoni Gardens, and I never heard of Brooklyn Burger. And to be honest with you, I would say three-quarters of the people working in the concession stands are there just there for a check and not really interested in what kind of product they put out. 

On the train ride downtown I remembered a burger spot called 67 Burger which was recommended by someone who has never steered me wrong in the past. Located at 67 Lafayette Street, two blocks from the Barclay's center. The frontage of 67 Burger displays a large roll up door that exposes their funky blue and orange-colored walls, with chairs to match; a large mural saying "Brooklyn" greets you as you walk in the door. A walk up counter where a menu is displayed on a large LCD where you have the option to build your own burger or pick a pre-built. A number is given to you so your food can be delivered directly to your table. 



Here’s what I ordered :

Western Burger  ($8.50): A grass-fed, grain finished burger patty with your choice of cheese, topped with onions braised in BBQ sauce. I got my burger cooked medium, topped with sharp cheddar, added some bacon (+$1.75) served up with a side of red onions, lettuce, tomato and pickles. The picture of burger perfection, melted cheese, a seeded bun,. As I lifted up the burger, the picture began to blur, my bun was soggy. Which is not a big deal as long as my burger is juicy; juicy it was. Enough that I stained my shirt in record time, three and a half minutes. Although a soggy bottom, the bun was super fresh. The burger was cooked to perfection with a nice hint of smokiness and sweet from the braised onions. The bacon was crispy but not over done and complimented the burger well. At the end, the burger picture started to come back into focus.

Curly Fries : ($3.95) Yes, I order curly fries. Yes, I am 5 years old. I do understand the fries are not freshly cut on the spot but they were so curly and crunchy my inner child was happy to have them on the table. 

The service at 67 Burger was on point, my glass was never empty and I was checked up on in a non-annoying fashion.  I was a happy camper with a belly full of good food. I was ready to go H.A.M at Barclay’s, stained shirt and all.

67 Burger

67 Lafayette Street, Brooklyn NY

www.67Burger.com

 Nine years ago, Times writer Josh Ozerksy  had an idea to throw a BBQ that celebrates the entire animal, nose to tail. So every year meatheads from around the nation and beyond converge into a space for a night full of meat mayhem known as Meatopia. This year  Randall's island was transformed into a meat meadow where 40 of new york and the nations most high-profile chefs came to serve up one of a kind dishes for the event.  Chef’s like April Bloomfield from The Breselin, Alex Guarnaschelli of The Darby and so on. Also this year Meatopia featured Aaron Franklin from Franklin BBQ and a group of Navy seals fire roasting up some meat.

Meatopia is not your average BBQ event. All the meat provide is from locally sourced farms where the animal is treated in a humane way. Living a stress free life, eating only the best of the with no hormone or steroid injections. The animal is slaughtered in a safe and respectful way. Also this year proceeds from the event go to Armed Forces foundation that offers vital assistance to active-duty and retired military personnel, National Guard, Reserve Components and military families as they cope with difficult circumstances. Plus the left food is donated to City Harvest.

Mini-Balkan burgers with Kaimak and Avjar

Smoked St.Louis Ribs from Dinosaur BBQ

Smoked Wings From Dinosaur BBQ

As the sky turned green and opened up upon the crowd, food and charcoal grills. Meatopia magically transformed into meat lovers version of wood stock, a meat stock if you will. While most people ran for cover many came with umbrellas and rain gear. Despite the rain, Meatopia was a great way to kiss the summer outdoor event season goodbye. Only 365 days (and counting) until the next one.



www.Meatopia.org

“What the fuck is Korean Fried chicken” were the words I uttered when I first heard about the dish. When I think of Koreans I think of Kimchi and really bad porno movies, not fried chicken. When I think of fried chicken, I think of the American south and people who marry their cousins. My first experience with Korean fried chicken was at Talde. The problem is Dale Talde is Philippino and not Korean.  That was like buying a slice at an Indian restaurant. The idea is there but the authenticity isn’t.

After working 7 days straight, I wanted something different, yet small for lunch. I convinced a fellow co-worker to join me for some Korean fried chicken at a spot called BonChon in midtown. I was going to hit up Mad For Chicken at first but the time was an issue and we needed to be in and out.

BonChon is located on 5th avenue between 34th and 35th street.  It was 12pm and lucky for my co-worker and I the place was dead. We picked our own seats amongst the dark wood tables, one which was a large communal table in the middle. I steer clear of communal tables because I really am not interested in having to hear about how you’re having a hard time finding decent  fitting underwear. A fully stocked bar took up ¼ of the dinning room and a quick drop off of the menus, a quick skim through and this is what we ordered:

6 piece wings and 2 drum sticks ($10.99) Individually placed on a large white plate the chicken glistened with Bon Chon’s soy, garlic, hot sauce. I quickly dove in for a drum sticks. A crispy, crunchy drum stick that tasted sweet but ended spicy. Not the heat I was looking for but it did the trick of making my nose run a little. The wings, spot on. In the same glazed sauce the wings were meaty, crispy, saucy.  The Korean fried chicken I had at Talde was good, but this was better and it didn’t cost $23 

  
Kimchi cole slaw ($2) Luckily Kim Jung Il is dead, because if he was alive he would probably send whoever made this coleslaw to the firing range. I barely tasted any Kimchi and the coleslaw tasted like it was off the sale rack at an Associate supermarket somewhere in the hood. 

 

So maybe Korean aren’t the best at making good porno movies, but they fry up on hell of a chicken. Although their rendition of fried chicken is basically a Buffalo wing, I would definitely put BonChon on my map of places to eat.  BonChon might not be the best idea for lunch but definitely after an alcohol infused night or a late night bootycall session.

Bon Chon Korean Fried Chicken

325 5th Avenue NY, NY (many locations)

www.BonChon.com

My search for a good white boy Chinese food has become similar to my dating life. Disappointing, mediocre and tasteless. When I was in the mood to have some sit down white boy Chinese food, my go to spot was this place in Bensonhurst called Chef Wong’s. I was on some Rao’s shit in there, I had my own booth. The waiters knew us, knew what we ordered and kept the crunchy noodles flowing like the Pearl River. But, like everything , all good things come to an end.  So for the past 5 years I have been on the hunt for a good sit down white boy Chinese joint.

One recommendation that would come past my ear lately has been Brooklyn Wok Shop.  Of course I was hesitant. The problem with white boy Chinese restaurants is that they are like assholes, everyone thinks they have the best one. But  After all my past strike outs with white boy Chinese food places I figured I would have nothing to lose. 

Brooklyn Wok Shop is located on North 10th street in land of where rich girls that look poor and dudes look like they operate steam trains, Williamsburg.  The restaurant is not decorated in your normal Chinese food fashion. Cement t floors, dark tables, dim lighting and a wall decorated with white bowls with a decent music play list bumping in the background. A quick at a small menu and this was the order : 

Roast Pork ($11.50) Soy glazed pork served with bok choy. When first picking up a piece of pork from the plate it fell apart. A big smile on my face I knew I was in for a treat. But that smile quickly turned into a frown. Although the flavor was there the pork was to mushy, even for me.

Scallion Pancakes ($6)  Thin crispy pancakes with nice balance of scallions to dough served with  a tangy soy sauce . Basically, scallion pancakes done right, finally.

Saucy wonton ($6.50) Shrimp and pork stuffed into a wonton and served in a tangy sauce. A perfectly tender wonton that played ping-pong with my palate. The tenderness was perfect with hints of pork and chives, then the sweetness of the shrimp which was sometimes offset by the tangy of the sauce.

Shiu Mia ($6.50) Pork and Shrimp dumplings. At this point you’re probably telling yourself  “ this asshole just ordered that  just without the sauce” You’re right, I did and I am an asshole. Yet, still a solid dish.

General Tso’s Chicken ($11.50)  I am a self labeled General Tso’s chicken aficionado. To me a perfect General Tso’s chicken is a mix of white and dark meat, lightly coated but just enough to have crunchiness to the chicken. The sauce should be thick and in color with a balance of sweet, heat and savory which lightly coats the chicken. And this dish had hit all my requirements. After a few bites, the flavor painted my palate with a fire house.  I haven’t had a General Tso’s chicken like this in years. Utter perfection.

Is Brooklyn Wok Shop the new Chef Wongs? Nah. But I can not really categorize this place as a white boy Chinese restaurant simply because a hipster took my order and there were no crunchy noodles flowing. Although they do serve some old school favorites I would say wok shop is Chinese food for cool kids. So strap on your high top dunks, throw on an ironic t-shirt and prepare yourself for a great General Tso chicken.

Brooklyn Wok Shop

182 North 10th Street, Brooklyn.

(718) 889-7992

www.BrooklynWokShop.com