The newest edition to the Grimaldi's empire of brick oven pizza has finally open in Coney Island. News broke about the famous pizza chain opening it's third location in Coney Island this past February.  Along with other high profile names like Tom's and Zito's sandwich shop. 

Grimaldi's is located 50 feet from the entry of the Coney Island subway station located in an old furniture store which was renovated with a new facade and a large glass doors that open during the summer months. The walls are exposed brick and lined with 8ft tall pictures of Coney Island in the 1920's. A 50 seat dinning area with plenty of arm room and the pizza station off centered in the back of the room. As always the owner was at the front door directing seating and there was an line with a one hour wait time.

The owner  informed that they are still in soft opening mode this week and will just be serving pizza. They will be in full swing next week with a full menu.  No details about the oven but after trying the pizza I am sure it is not a coal burning oven. Still a great tasting pizza and for $14 for a large pie, it maybe the best deal in Coney Island. Totonno's pie is $21, but the shity attitude given during service is absolutely free.

Grimaldi's

1215 Surf Avenue, NY 11224

 

I try my very best to eat red meat once a month. I've hit that age where eating like you're going to the electric chair is dangerous. Although I suffer from gout attacks, I am very thankful that I still have all my hair and my penis still works. Time was coming up for my monthly piece of red meat and I wanted a burger. I wanted to try something new and I wanted something good.  I don't know if someone slipped something in my drink but I decided on a buger joint called Corner Burger located in Park Slope.

I was warned about corner burger and I should have listened. Bad sign number one: The place was empty, bad sign number two: The phone was not ringing nor was the guy behind the counter putting in orders. With two bad signs with in five minutes I started to realize I was in trouble. No turning back now, here’s what I ordered :

The Slope Burger ($10.50) Burger topped with bacon, cheddar,  “ homemade onion rings” , lettuce, tomato and red onion. The menu specifies that all burgers are cooked medium, I even asked for medium, what did I get? Well done. You know who eats a well done burger? Assholes. The meat was tasteless and dry. Even the extremely oily “homemade onions rings” couldn’t save this burger thing. 

Fries combo ($6.50) French, curly, waffle. Pre-cut fries. It was easy to tell with that coating on the regular fries. How the fuck do you serve pre-cut fries at a burger joint? Better yet, how do you serve pre-cut fries and still stay in business? 

“Homemade onion rings”  ($5) You can fool these Park Slope moms but you can't fool me. Any asshole can see these onions rings are not homemade. HORRIBLE. Greasy, soggy  tasteless crap.

Even though the place was empty, service was horrible. I know dude was busy putting together a summer play list on spotify, but, whats up? Can’t ask if I need another coke? If the food is good? I left the place madder than a African cab driver when you tell him you’re going to Brooklyn. Corner burger maybe the worst burger I have had in 2012, maybe even in my life.

Corner Burger

381 5th avenue Brooklyn

718-360-4622

www.cornerburger.com

I love to eat in restaurants that fall into the “ hole in the wall “ genre. The food is usually good, cheap and fills up your stomach for the next few days. While talking to a friend about hole in the wall restaurants located in Brooklyn, my friend started to tell me about a Italian restaurant that served  family style dishes called Ortobello.

Ortobello is located on the corner of Bay parkway and 64th street and has been holding ground there since 1975. Ortobello is one of few remaining Italian restaurants left in the area. The space is small and looks like it hasn’t been renovated since the day it opened. Towards the kitchen sat the staff and an older woman speaking in Italian, in the back ground old school Italian music played. We grabbed a seat by the window so I could watch all the slutty Russian girls pass by. Our waiter came over and spoke broken English in a heavy Italian accent. A quick peek of the menu and this is what we ordered: 

Pollo Parmigiana  (19.50) :  I tend to label myself to be a chicken parm aficionado. I like my chicken crispy and I like to see burn marks on my cheese. Usually I have to ask for this, but I saw a really slutty Russian girl walk past the window and she made me lose my attention while ordering. I knew I was in the right place, I didn’t have to ask for the dish to be well done, it already came out the burn marks on the cheese and around the outer part of the chicken. A juicy, tender piece of chicken topped with the house tomato sauce and tons of fresh, lightly burned, mozzarella. At this point I was so stuffed, but I kept on eating because it was so damn good.

Mozzarella in corrazza ($14) :   A hunk of fresh mozzarella stuffed between Italian bread, dipped in an egg battered and fried.  When the waiter placed the dish on the table, it made this clunk sound, I knew I was in trouble. This thing was a monster, the dish could feed a small village or Anne Burell. The dish was topped with a white gravy which I was not used to, the dish is usually served with a tomato sauce. A few bites in and I started to get the love sweats. The bread was crispy, the mozzarella was oozing out and had a firm creamy texture to it and the white gravy just was the equivalent of finding $100 bill in your pocket while doing laundry 

Calamari Fritti ($15) : A heap of fried calamari, lightly breaded, served with a tomato sauce and a lemon wedge. The calamari was freshly made and not out of the bag, I know this because  the texture was tender and not like chewing on a ball of rubber bands.

Rigatoni alla vodka ($18):  Rigatoni served in a light cream tomato sauce. Usually the penne alla vodka is drowned in the sauce and makes the pasta soggy, this wasn’t the case. The Rigatoni was "al dente" with a light coating of a cream, tomato sauce with hints of garlic and fresh basil every so often.

Cheesecake ($7.50):  A hunk of Italian style cheese cake made from sweet ricotta and topped with powdered sugar. Cold, creamy sweet ricotta, how I yearn for another piece of you again.

Any asshole can go out and eat at a fine dinning restaurant, they are a dime a dozen these days. That doesn’t impress me, what does impress me are old establishments like Ortobello who serve up a quality meal for a decent price. Our bill came to $105 with enough food left over for the next 4 days. I do recommended you come here with more than 3 people to get the full effect of the value of the food. The food was great, the atmosphere was very home like, to the point that I was waiting for a woman to come out of the kitchen and pinch my cheeks and tell me “ You eat, you’re skin and bones “. I haven’t been skin and bones since I was 15. If you love the romance of little mom and pop owned spots, Ortobello is for you.

Ortobello
6401 Bay Parkway, Brooklyn
(718) 236-9810
www.ortobellorestaurant.com

I used to watch Top Chef religiously. Well, until Top Chef Texas.  I got about 5 episodes into it and decided I’d rather beat my foot with a rusty claw hammer than watch another episode of reject cooks found in the kitchen at some Chili‘s. Aside from the Texas season, Top Chef has featured a few stand-out chefs, one of which is Dale Talde. I like this dude. He worked at Buddakan, wore a DQM hat, was hot headed and hated everyone; my kind of guy. And after he got in Michael Chiarello’s face, on an episode of Top Chef Masters, Talde quickly bumped his way to the top of my list of favorite chefs on the show. (I can’t stand Michael Chiarello and his bullshit olive garden type food.) When I heard Talde was opening a restaurant in Brooklyn, I had to go check it out and see if his s--- talk was real.

 Talde is located in Park Slope, Brooklyn, on the corner of 7th Avenue and 11th Street - home of the “urban family”.  Now the last thing I wanted to do was wait behind a screaming baby while its parents checked their iPhones and drank beer, so I patiently waited months to visit, until all the culinary hype-beast crowd subsided. As you walk in, you’re greeted with a bar and walls that are decorated with Asian wood carvings, like an old school Chinese restaurant would have in the 70’s. There are a few tables and booths, and an open kitchen where you can hear Talde’s monotone voice yelling out “Fire one octopus, Fire one shrimp toast.” I had already seen the menu before we went there, so my friend and I did not waste time ordering. Here’s what we ordered:

Pretzel Pork & Chive Dumplings ($8):  The filling was nicely balanced, with tender pork and chives, and wrapped in pretzel dough. The spicy mustard was tricky, though. It was one of those mustard that hit you at the end and all of a sudden your nose is running more than a model in a club bathroom.

Shrimp Toast ($11):  Four slices of shrimp toast, with a sunny side egg on top, and Chinese sausage gravy on the side.  If I had to deconstruct this dish and describe it as a woman, the shrimp toast, with its tender shrimp and chives, was like a really hot girl. The perfectly cooked egg was her trust fund and the sausage gravy was her twin sister. All I can say is if you don’t order this dish, you will die an empty person.

Korean Fried Chicken ($23):  A tender chicken breast, deep fried and served in a Kimchi yogurt sauce with grapes and mint. The chicken was perfectly fried, with a crunchy outer crust, and had just the right amount of seasoning, with a little kick that was turned down by the yogurt. I had a hard time not dipping the grapes in the Kimchi sauce. My one gripe with this dish is the price point. $23 is steep for a piece of chicken breast
.

Shrimp Fried Rice ($8): A huge bowl of rice, mixed with shrimp, scrambled eggs, bean sprouts and hints of Thai basil and sesame oil. I liked this dish. It reminded me of the fried rice I make at home, using leftover white rice from the night before.

New York is full of shit talkers, especially in the culinary world. I took Dale Talde off that list. The food was good. Actually, it was better than I expected.  Simple Asian flavors done in a twisted way.

Talde

369 7th avenue, Brooklyn NY

(347) 916-0031

 

My family and I suffered a tragic loss. Our beloved Chinese restaurant Chef Wong’s, where we celebrated birthdays and anniversaries, had shut down. It was cheap, it was good and it was close to home. Since our loss, we went back to our roots and started hitting up Russian restaurants.

My family came to America from a small town in the Ukraine in the late 70’s, and I have eaten Russian food most of my natural life. We are connoisseurs of the cuisine. Much like the Chinese, Russia has different regions, thus different cuisines. Borscht is Ukrainian. Pelemnia/Varanki are Siberian. Shashlik (shish-kebab) is more of a Southern Russian food from Baku, Tashkent, an Uzbekistan region. We tend to call the people from the southern region "Bucharian," and most live in Forest Hills, Queens, or what I call "Bucharlem ". There aren't many Bucharian restaurants in Brooklyn, but one spot, called Nargis Café and located on Coney Island Avenue in Brooklyn, has been our go-to spot lately.

On any given day the place is packed to the brim with people and they do not take reservations for parties 6 and under. The secret to reserving a table: my pops always makes a reservation for 6 and says the last person dropped out. It just goes to show that you should never trust a Russian Jew from Brooklyn.

As you walk into the place, which is decorated like a Russian farmhouse meets the inside of a genie lamp, the Russian language can be heard buzzing in the back ground, along with the clanking of shot glasses filled with ice cold vodka. I know the menu like the back of my hand and here are a few favorites we get:

Shashlik ($3-$4 each):  Lamb, chicken lulya kebab and chicken hearts. One thing Nagris Café does perfectly is their shash-shlik. Perfectly spiced with hints of cumin, onion and yogurt come through. Their Luyla kebab, which is chopped lamb mixed with red peppers and spices, is one of the best in Brooklyn.

  
Chiberki ($2): A light dough stuffed with raw spiced meat and then flash-fried to a golden brown crisp. This is the Russian version of a Jamaican beef patty. It’s a little greasy, but nothing a little vodka won’t wipe away. I bet any Ras-Clat, bumpa would love this dish.

Herring ($6): No matter the region in Russia, this is a staple on any dinner table. A fillet herring topped with raw white onions, corn oil and vinegar. It’s served with boiled potatoes, which are mixed with butter and parsley.  Do yourself a favor, put a piece of herring on top of the potato and eat it. Bring a change of underwear because the ones you have on might get wet.

Spiced French fries ($3.50): Frozen french fries, fried with paprika, garlic and parsley. Although the potatoes are french fries, this dish is surprisingly good and we order it every time.

We also had a radish salad and a few other salads but I hate radish and, honestly, at this point I was on my 6th shot of Vodka and not really interested in eating salad. Besides, I was busy drunk text with this girl I met at Le Baron the night before. By the way, it's B.Y.O.Vodka in a flask. You know how we do.

There are a lot of “where to eat” lists lately on Russian food. They work if you’re a tourist from Nebraska. Other than that, they fucking suck! Just because Nargis is not located in Brighton Beach doesn’t mean it should be looked over. Honestly, half of the restaurants in Brighton actually suck and cater to the Goyum. I won’t mention the name of a place we last dined in Brighton Beach. The food sucked, but somehow made it onto the Village Voices Best list. Our bill at Nagris came to $120, including the tip. The food is excellent, so stop reading those terrible lists and venture outside of Brighton Beach.

Nargis Cafe 

2818 Coney Island Ave.
Brooklyn, NY 11235 

(718) 872-7888 

http://www.nargiscafe.com/

There is a new meatball in town. No, it is not another sex crazed, alcohol fueled female cast member of the Jersey Shore. It is a new meatball joint located in Chelsea called Meatball Obsession. A quick to-go window located on 6th avenue between 13th and 14th street. The window is Serving up quick, easy, meatball sandwiches, meatballs in a cup and full family meals to go, even comes with pasta.  

The Pork Meatball in a cup double ($7 ) A large meatball served in a cup with sunday sauce and parmesan dip bread. This meatball blew my socks off. Firm in texture, full of flavor which left a nice little heat buzz on my lips after eating. The sauce was tangy and sweet and made it feel like sunday at 4pm when it was only tuesday at 630pm. 

 The Beef Meatball in a cup double ($7)  Served same as the pork meatball with fresh pearled balls of Mozzarella . A taste of fresh flavorful beef with hints Romano cheese and parsley danced on your tongue like two drunk hipsters at a Cults cover band show.

There are a lot of meatballs to chose from now in New York. If you're looking for something with flavor, quick and easy then Meatball Obsession should be on your culinary to-do list.

Meatball Obsession

510 6th Avenue, New York, NY 

(212) 260-8646

www.MeatballObsession.com

 The world is ending. Not because a bunch of Mexicans got drunk off a few Coronas, thousands of years ago, and decided to play Pictionary using a pyramid wall while drunk. The world is ending because my brother offered to take me out to dinner and pay for it. I had to take advantage of this situation quickly and carefully, before he changed his mind and text me back " Forget it, I'm going to order chinese and watch the Office". I quickly mentioned the Meatball shop. I don't know why. When it comes to meatballs I am very picky. In the hundreds of meatballs I have eaten in my life, I've only really loved two. I was pretty sure the meatball shop wouldn't be number three. But there was no turning back at this point.

My brother and I shot out to the Brooklyn location of The Meatball shop located on Bedford avenue in of course, Williamsburg. It was a Friday night and it was packed with a 10-20 minute waiting time. I feel any place that has a dense populations of hipsters should have a time limit on the table. Ever watch a hipster eat? It’s like watching a monkey fuck a football. I mean how long can you possibly talk about the collective works of Moby? The Meatball shop has an bar area, dimly lit with an open kitchen in the back along with some tables. My brother and I scored a seat in the back right in front of the open kitchen. The menu was a “ build your own “ checking off what kind of meatballs, sauce, cheese etc. One thing I have to point out is I noticed the word “ hero “ on the menu, describing the sandwich. Respect. This is fucking new york city, we call sandwiches on Italian bread, Hero’s. Not hoagies, grinders or subs. You want to call a sandwich something other than a hero, you should move back to motherfucking Ohio. Here’s what we ordered,
 

 Classic Beef Meatballs ($9)  A fresh hero topped with 3 meatballs, classic tomato sauce and fresh mozzarella. The meatball was decent, flavorful, not exactly what I was looking for texture wise, but it did the job. The sauce had a nice garlicky tang to it. The bread was fresh, crunchy out layer with a chewy inner.

Spicey Pork Meatblls ($9)   Served on a hero with sauce and fresh mozz, These meatballs were pretty damn F good. A little bit more tender than the beef ones with a nice hint of spiced flavor. These meatballs also worked well with the sauce giving a little heat to go with the tanginess.

  

Risotto ($4)  If I had a time machine, I would go back in time and not order this dish. It was really soupy and tasted like a shoe that has been hanging off a telephone pole for the past 12 years. 

Polenta ($4)   I tried the Risotto first, so I didn’t have high hopes for the polenta.  Much like my choices in woman, I was wrong. The polenta was creamy with hints of parmigna and butter. Until this day I still have erotic fantasy about this polenta.

With two cokes, the bill came to a whopping $35. I was pissed. In my life I only take advantage of two situations, a free meal and sex. I was looking to piss my brother off with a huge bill but it didn’t happen. Meatball shop wasn’t what I was looking for meatball wise. But the vibe is cool, the food is decent and the price is on point. Would I return to Meatball shop? Hell yes.  And as for finding the perfect meatball, my adventure continues on.

The Meatball Shop 

170 Bedford Avenue, Brooklyn  (2 other locations)

718 - 551-0520

B rating from the NYC DOH 

http://www.themeatballshop.com/