Lunchtime for me is always limited. Sometimes I don't even have lunch because I am so busy running around Manhattan. I recently found myself working in the Financial District with time to spare, and I wanted something really good for lunch. I remembered that nearby there's a GO Burger kiosk serving up burgers and fries. I always wanted to try their truck, but never had the chance. I figured  - what do I have to lose?

Located behind the W Hotel on Washington Street was small box with a window, an exhaust hanging out of it's roof,  and a GO! Burger logo plastered all over it - this must be the place! A quick peek at the menu and this what I got :  

BLT ($7.50): Double Smoked Bacon, American Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Pickles, GO Burger Sauce. First of all, my burger was cooked well-done. I should have went back and thrown it at them. You know who eats a well done burgers? Assholes. Secondly, my burger looked like someone sat on it. This maybe the shittiest tasting burger I've had in a while and If I wanted a shitty burger I would have went to up the block to Burger King. 

Skinny Fries ($4): As I waited for my order, I noticed money grip removing two brown bags from a freezer - one of which held the "skinny fries." Precious was skinnier than these fries. Heavy, starchy and loaded with salt. How the fuck do you call yourself a burger spot when you serve frozen shit? 

Vidalia Onion Rings ($5): That second bag I told you about held these grease traps they called onion rings. Greasy and full of salt, I had to throw away half of them. 

They should rename this place "You should GO! Somewhere else burger." What a shit hole! It's no wonder that the only people I saw buying food from them were tourists - and not just regular tourists. These were the ones that still use paper maps and stuff the extra napkins into their fanny packs.

Go Burger

123 Washington Street NY 10006 (other locations)

I would say that 75% of the time I find a new restaurant, it's through word of mouth. When I say word of mouth I don't mean the fucksticks on Yelp. It's always a recommendation I get from someone I respect in the food game. Once in a while I will take a recommendation from a girl I am dating, just to see if they're wifey material (and probably because I haven't hit the poom-poom yet.) My latest had recommended a place called "Flex Mussels" 

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate gimmicky restaurants with gimmicky names, and unless I'm missing something "Flex Mussels" is as gimmicky as it gets. The things I do for a pretty face. My date and I headed to their Chelsea location, right off of 6th avenue. I noticed and hoped for outside seating but was whisked past a bar / oyster shucking station to a cramped corner in the back of the restaurant.

A quick skim of the menu and this is what we ordered :

The Mexican ($21.50) Chipotle, adobo, chorizo, calamari. This Mexican should be deported. The chorizo wasn't spicy, the calamari was tasteless and rubbery, the broth tasted like this was the pot in which the homeless guy washed his socks and soiled underwear.

Thai mussel ($21.50) Curry, coconut broth, lemongrass, kaffir lime, coriander, lime, ginger, garlic.  When I imagine a bowl of mussels , I see a big heaping pot filled to the top with all kinds of fresh herbs, etc. What I got was a large bowl which looked liked a homeless man just finished shitting into was placed in front of me with barely any mussels, don't let the picture fool you. As I shook my head at this sorry poor presentation,  I began to think as to why can't I smell any curry? Oh that's right, because my broth was watered down and had barely any taste.

 

Truffle Fries ($11) Pre-cut french fries that turned soggy within about 8 seconds of hitting our table. There was enough salt on these fries to start another ocean on another planet. They should have paid me $11 for eating this soggy dogshit

Donuts ($10) A donut  with your choice of filling, we went with caramel and a peanut butter and jelly donut. The donut was pretty good, light and tasty but the peanut-butter tasted like it was Key Food brand. 

I have to say, my experience at Flex Mussels was awful. Not only was the food bad but the service was horrible. My date and I watched as two other tables were seated about 15 minutes after us, and got their food before us. No complimentary drinks, nothing taken off the tab, not even apology. Another thing about this place is the way they plate their food. I got a pound of mussels in a 5 quart pot. I felt like I was scraping the bottom of someone else's dinner. A bag of mussels costs what? $4-$5 a bag? When I'm paying a premium for my dinner, I expect everything to be top notch. I usually like to get kissed before I get fucked.

Flex Mussels

154 W 13th St New York
(212) 229-0222

flexmusselsny.com

There ain't shit you can tell me about Americanized Italian food. I grew up close to Bensonhurst, a southern region in Brooklyn (south of Bay Ridge, get a compass asshole) which was home to the largest population of Italians in the borough. A lot of my friends were Italian, and since Italian food is way better than Russian food, I took every chance I had to eat at their houses so I could escape the endless bowls of borscht, dark black breads, and all pickled everything. Chicken parm, baked ziti, stuffed shells, steak pizzaiola, this is all shit I know well. Straight up, 100%, Americanized Italian food. I'm so official I pronounce capicola as "gabagool." So when I heard about a sandwich spot called Parm which was ran by the kings of the new school of Italian/American cooking, Rich Torissi and Mario Carbone, I needed to check it out. 

Parm is located in Little Italy on Mulberry Street right next to Torrisi, which is known for being a celebrity hangout with great food. I was praying that Amanda Bynes would walk out as I was walking into parm... she's my spirit animal. No such luck, and as I walked into Parm I was greeted by a drunk frat dude sipping his loneliness away at the bar - you know the type, pushing 32 and still rocking his class ring. As we walked past that fuck stick, we were greeted by a host and sat at table that looked like it was a 50's dinner. Didn't need to skim the menu, this is what we got: 

Meatball Parm ($12): Served on a toasted seeded sweet semolina bread, laid a meatball mix with beef, sausage, and veal topped with a mellow tangy tomato sauce, a thin layer of  fresh, creamy, salty mozzarella and a leaf of basil. If a porn star had a baby with a bag of money, these meatballs are  what would come of it. Hands down, the best meatball parm in Manhattan.

Mozzarella Sticks ($10): Why the fuck are you looking at me like that? It's fried motherfucking cheese, of course I ordered it. These weren't those Key Food mozzarella sticks your mom warmed up in the oven instead of deep frying them like someone with citizenship. The cheese was gooey and salty with a crispy fresh coating of bread crumbs, hints of parsley and parmigiana cheese. 

Chicken Parm ($12): Toasted, seeded, sweet semolina bread, thinly cut fried chicken, topped with sauce, fresh mozzarella and a basil leaf. Good, crunchy, juicy. But not better than the meatball parm.

Parm definitely delivered on all of the hype and more. I won't lie, I was a little bit skeptical when I heard that Torissi and Carbone's new spot "Carbone" was charging $48 for shrimp scampi. Like, come on, how good can it be? But now, Parm made me a believer and I'm ready to fork over $48 for a dish that usually costs $24.

Parm

248 Mulberry St  Manhattan, NY 10012

(212)993-7189

Anyone who knows me knows how big a fan I am of Top Chef. I've been to Dale Talde's Talde Brooklyn as well as Harold Dieteltre's kin shop. Next up to bat was Leah Cohen's Pig & Khao. There were a few things that kept me from wanting to try her food. I was really turned off by the great reviews from Steve Cuozzo of the New York Post. I mean, how can you take a news publication seriously when Snooki is on the cover every other week? Pete Wells also gave it a two star review, but I feel like Wells had a pow-wow with an intern and asked "where do the cool kids eat these days?" Another larger factor was Leah herself. I know it's television but every week I was scratching my head and my balls, and asking myself "how the fuck is she still on the show?" But if I believed everything I saw on TV, I'd be 20 pounds lighter and have a twelve-inch penis with just two pills a day.

The only thing Pig & Khao did have going for it was it was a Fatty Crew joint, so I bit the bullet and rolled over to 688 Clinton street on the lower east side. The place was pretty packed for a Sunday, and the sounds of Shyne's "Bad Boyz" bumped in the background muffling the sounds of the conversations at the table and the bar which faced the open kitchen in the middle of the room. The smells from the kitchen would make someone with a full stomach hungrier than a pot head at an Action Bronson concert .  A friend of mine took full charge of ordering and this is what we ordered:

Sizzling Sisig ($14) - Pork head, chilli, whole egg. The dish comes served on a piping hot cast iron plate with a raw egg on top that you mix into the dish, dope!  I never had pig head before so it is hard to say if the texture was good, but the taste was on point. Hints of lemongrass rolled onto your palate with hints of spiciness every so often. 

Crispy Red Curry Rice Salad ($12) - Minced pork, crispy garlic, shallot, coriander, ginger, peanuts, lime-fish sauce. This rice dish, crispy in texture, served with lettuce leafs, had hints of sour and sweet that switched back and forth with every bite. My favorite dish of the night, and I would straight up catch a case for this one.

Quail Adobo ($15) - Soy sauce, vinegar, Szechuan peppercorns, and crispy garlic. Not bad, but not great. Although the bird was crispy and juicy, the flavor was lacking. All I really could taste was soy sauce from beginning to end. 

Khao Soi ($16) - Red curry, coconut milk, chicken, egg noodles, pickled mustard greens and shallots. Pieces of chicken swam in a coconut curry broth, filled chewy dense egg noodles that were topped with crunchy egg noodles. Every bite started off with heat but ended with cool sweet flavor from the coconut milk. This dish should've come with a warning in the description "may cause boner." 

Grilled Curry Lamb Ribs ($24) - Yogurt, pickled beets, whole wheat roti chapathi. The ribs were perfectly cooked and juicy, but the dish had more of a Mediterranean flavor than an Asian one. Needless to say I sucked the meat off the bone. 

The bill came to $146 with drinks but without tip. I couldn't come up with an elaborate ending like I do in the rest of my reviews. All I can say is that I was wrong in every which way and the hierarchy of the food review game were right. 

Pig & Khao

68 Clinton Street New York, N.Y. 10002
(212) 920-4485
pigandkhao.com

So I met this bimbo off of Jdate. You're probably rolling your eyes and saying "what a loser." But it was snowing outside, I was comfortably sitting on my couch, in my boxers, eating cold fried rice out of a bowl that I was carefully balancing on my stomach. And not for nothing, the last girl I met "out" ate her hair, but "only when she gets nervous" which seemed to be every 11 minutes. 

The bimbo and I decided that we should meet up for dinner, preferably Mexican. I have a go-to Mexican spot in Red Hook called "Alma", total panty dropper, but the problem is every time I bring a girl there on a date I always seem to run into them there later - with a guy. So I decided I would stop shitting where I eat and check out this spot called Fonda in Park Slope.

Fonda is located on 7th avenue and owned by Chef Roberto Santibañez, the author of a cookbook called Truly Mexican. I read about Roberto a while back in the New York Times, and I put his place in my mental restaurant index. As we walked into the small, dimly lit space, a hostess greeted us, asking for our reservation and said we could wait for our table by the crowded bar.  

As we waited by the bar, the aura of awkwardness glowed around my date and I. What's wrong with you girls? This girl was acting like I was trying to steal her purse or something. But I have a cure-all for awkwardness - alcohol. 

Two drinks in my date, the drift wood with hair was finally loosening up and put me in charge of ordering a few dishes we would split, considering I was the "epicurean" (someone's reading a new book). As she started to slur her words(lightweight) and talk about her career, her cat, and how much she hates her neighbor, I was playfully smiling and nodding my head along as I read to myself the dishes. Here's what I ordered:

Flautas De Pollo ($8)  Two crispy tortillas filled with shredded chicken, topped with Salsa verde, pasilla de Oaxaca Salsa, queso fresco and crema. Holy fuck was this good! Crispy, and tender with a little heat. If this dish wasn't getting my laid tonight, I would have to re-tweak my pallet.

Guacamole ($11)  Your standard guacamole with small hits of garlic and cilantro, with a chunky Constancy - pretty good. The menu description says the chips are house made - bullshit. These chips tasted like the bag they came out of.

Flautas De Pollo ($8)  Two crispy tortillas filled with shredded chicken, topped with Salsa verde, pasilla de Oaxaca Salsa, queso fresco and crema. Holy fuck was this good! Crispy, and tender with a little heat. If this dish wasn't getting my laid tonight, I would have to re-tweak my pallet.

 Taquitos ($8)  Grilled marinated skirt steak with onions, cilantro, and chile de arbol salsa. "Hey did you order tacos?" Good thing this girl was pretty because she wasn't too bright.  The steak was a little flat even with the salsa verde.

Pollo Norteno ($18)  Boneless achiote marinated chicken tossed with melted chihuahua cheese, served in a skillet and topped with chiles serranos "toreados", cured red onions, with a side of charro beans and warm hand press tortillas. This dish alone will keep me coming back to Fonda. A beautiful, colorful dish hits our table in a cast iron skillet filled with marinated chicken and heaps of melted, gooey, smooth strands of cheese, topped with pickled onions and serrano peppers. This dish is a must - no questions asked.

 

As the night rolled on and the alcohol let loose the awkwardness and woke up gluttony, my date and I were full and slipping into a food coma. Although we didn't agree that people shouldn't toast fresh bagels, we did both agree that Fonda was damn good and neither of use can wait to come back. Little did my date know is that she would have to return with someone else. Me? Date someone who toasts a fresh bagel? Fuck that noise.

Fonda

434 7th Ave Brooklyn, NY

(718) 369-3144

www.fondarestaurant.com

You would think with all the Asian girls I dated in my life, one those bimbos would haven taken me for Dim Sum at least once. We always ended up either eating Italian food or McDonald's and just having sex. Don’t get me wrong, that was cool but the bad thing about having sex with a Chinese girl is that you’re horny half an hour later. I know dim sum isn’t a big deal, dumplings, shumai, rolling carts, etc. Basically, Tapas for Asian people. If you don’t know what Tapas are, please stop reading this and light yourself on fire.

It was time I took matters into my own hands. It was my fathers birthday and I figured that I would treat him to a good meal. The man loves any kind of Asian food and he especially loves eating in Chinatown. He says it reminds him of Brighton beach except everyone is Asian. I also wanted to eat in Chinatown to do my part in trying to ever so slightly help struggling business recover after Hurricane Sandy.

I decided to pay a visit Nom Wah Tea Parlor - A joint serving up Dim Sum to New Yorkers since 1920.  During the past few decades the small dim sum shop had fallen on bad  times but it was revitalized in early 2010 by the owners nephew Wilson Tang.

The decor of Nom Wah is that of an old school coffee shop. A counter with stools, tables and a few booths. My parents and I were pointed to a booth in the back, upholstered with red pleather and a table that slanted forward. I was in love.

We were handed two menus, one with pictures for the Lames or Yelpers and another paper menu to check off what you wanted to order. Here’s what we got : 

Stuffed Chinese eggplant ($3.50) Eggplant stuffed with deep-fried shrimp paste, served in a brown sauce with scallions.

“The Original” Egg Roll ($3.95) Mixed vegetables and chicken wrapped in a crepe type blanket and deep-fried in a batter. This isn’t your ordinary corner white-boy Chinese food egg roll. It was weird and I could have eaten five more.

House special fried dumplings ($3.95)  Pork and chives stuffed into a dumpling skin and pan-fried.

Pork Bun ($1.50) Steamed bun filled with pork and caramelized onions. Hands down makes my top 3 pork buns in NYC

Stuffed Chinese eggplant ($3.50) Eggplant stuffed with deep-fried shrimp paste, served in a brown sauce with scallions.

Shrimp Rice Roll ($3.50) Shrimp stuffed inside of a flour rice noodle topped with a sweet soy sauce. 

Shanghai Soup Dumplings ($3.50) Pork dumplings filled with broth.  Perfectly shaped, perfectly pleated,  dough wrapper filled with a perfect ratio of soup to meat ratio. As you can see I keep the hooliganism down and let the dumpling cool in the vinegar before eating whole. Instead of biting a hole in the skin like some dickhead Yelper.

 

Shrimp & Snow Pea Leaf Dumplings ($3.95) Shrimp and snow peas tucked into a homemade wheat wrapper served open face.  Now, my chopstick game is tight, but I was having trouble picking these dumplings up as they stuck to the bottom of the pot. This doesn’t mean I didn’t eat 3 out of 4 in the serving, You snooze, you lose, Mom.

Salt & Pepper Spare Ribs ($8.50) A heap of deep-fried pork spare ribs in a light crispy, salty, peppery coating. It’s hard not to love deep-fried, salted pork. Went down perfect with a Taiwan Beer.

We also ordered the pan-fried noodles in superior soy sauce and the house special dumpling soup which were both good, but I was to busy eating and dodging “Why aren’t you married yet” questions from my parents to take pictures of the dishes. My family and I ate like champs for $65, a reasonable dinner tab for any tight ass.  What more can I say, go to Nom Wah Tea Parlor as-soon-as-possible.

Nom Wah Tea Parlor

13 Doyer Street, New York, NY

212- 962-6047

www.NomWah.com

It was a momentous time for Brooklyn; The Barclay’s center was opening up and Jay-Z was performing 8 concerts in a row; I was able to snag a pair of tickets. I realized if I was going to be standing on top of a chair and singing “Where I’m from“ at the top of my lungs, I was going to need some energy. The food line up would impress the dickhead elites at Yelp, but not me. I live a block away from Nathans, five blocks from L&B Spumoni Gardens, and I never heard of Brooklyn Burger. And to be honest with you, I would say three-quarters of the people working in the concession stands are there just there for a check and not really interested in what kind of product they put out. 

On the train ride downtown I remembered a burger spot called 67 Burger which was recommended by someone who has never steered me wrong in the past. Located at 67 Lafayette Street, two blocks from the Barclay's center. The frontage of 67 Burger displays a large roll up door that exposes their funky blue and orange-colored walls, with chairs to match; a large mural saying "Brooklyn" greets you as you walk in the door. A walk up counter where a menu is displayed on a large LCD where you have the option to build your own burger or pick a pre-built. A number is given to you so your food can be delivered directly to your table. 



Here’s what I ordered :

Western Burger  ($8.50): A grass-fed, grain finished burger patty with your choice of cheese, topped with onions braised in BBQ sauce. I got my burger cooked medium, topped with sharp cheddar, added some bacon (+$1.75) served up with a side of red onions, lettuce, tomato and pickles. The picture of burger perfection, melted cheese, a seeded bun,. As I lifted up the burger, the picture began to blur, my bun was soggy. Which is not a big deal as long as my burger is juicy; juicy it was. Enough that I stained my shirt in record time, three and a half minutes. Although a soggy bottom, the bun was super fresh. The burger was cooked to perfection with a nice hint of smokiness and sweet from the braised onions. The bacon was crispy but not over done and complimented the burger well. At the end, the burger picture started to come back into focus.

Curly Fries : ($3.95) Yes, I order curly fries. Yes, I am 5 years old. I do understand the fries are not freshly cut on the spot but they were so curly and crunchy my inner child was happy to have them on the table. 

The service at 67 Burger was on point, my glass was never empty and I was checked up on in a non-annoying fashion.  I was a happy camper with a belly full of good food. I was ready to go H.A.M at Barclay’s, stained shirt and all.

67 Burger

67 Lafayette Street, Brooklyn NY

www.67Burger.com